The following question is from a concerned parent:
I have a 12 year old skater who is a perfectionist. This controls her whole life. In competition, if she falls on one jump, it is devastating to her and she can’t control her emotions. She shuts down and can’t compete or perform. She is a high achiever in school and first chair violin. Her coaches say she has the potential to reach Nationals in the future, but the biggest thing holding her back is her mindset.
She is so hard on herself. Nothing she does is ever good enough. There are many days in practice that she is in tears of frustration. I keep asking her if she wants to quit but she just gets more upset.
I have tried reading books to her, motivational quotes, journaling and even not allowing her to skate if she cries on the ice, but nothing works. I need advice.
— Sports Mom
Dear Sports Mom,
You have come to the right place. First of all, kudos to you for wanting to address this issue early. This might be surprising to you, but “perfectionism” can be a blessing if you know how to manage it, and on the other hand it can be terrible if left unchecked.
Your child is not alone. She can learn how to manage her perfectionism, and live a highly successful and enjoyable life. I speak from personal and professional experience.
Many athletes who excel in technical sports like figure skating, gymnastics or golf have perfectionist tendencies. Many highly successful people in business credit their perfectionism with helping them get to the top.
What about you?
Many of the skaters and athletes I work with consider themselves perfectionists.
Definition:
Perfectionist (noun) A person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection.
Perfection (noun) The condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects.
Today, many people refuse to let perfectionism rule their lives. They understand that they can change their mindset with the right help.
Manage your perfectionism for great results
Ignoring perfectionism doesn’t work because it is a part of you. Would you cut off your hand because it got you in trouble raiding the cookie jar? Of course not. Ignoring the perfectionism in you is like cutting yourself off from a piece of you.
Some common traits of perfectionists:
- Things are black or white. All or nothing. There is no in between.
You accept nothing less than perfection. Something is perfect or a failure.
Example: You fail to land the jump even if the rotation is less than ¼ off (technically this gets full points). - You care so much about the results you don’t enjoy the journey. You are concerned about reaching or not reaching your goal.
You worry that you won’t meet your goal and be a failure. You miss the fun of growing and learning along the way.
Example: Your goal is to qualify for Nationals. Once you get there you feel empty. Is that all there is? All you can remember about the season was how difficult and tiring it was, you are so glad it is over. - You have high expectations that can only be met by achievement of the desired result.
Example: You won your Section, but you fell a couple of times and made a few mistakes. You feel like you don’t deserve the medal. It doesn’t even feel like a victory to you. You are disappointed in yourself. - You don’t tolerate mistakes. Mistakes are “evil” and to be avoided at all costs. This keeps you paralyzed and stuck. You won’t try something new until you’ve mastered it, but you can’t master something if you don’t practice it.
- You can’t let go of mistakes. This causes you worry and anxiety. You skate to avoid mistakes and this negatively affects your performance.
Example: Last year you messed up in your program at Regionals. This year you are more prepared, but you skate carefully to avoid mistakes. You lose points and miss the podium. - You are a people pleaser. You are most happy when your coaches, parents, teachers and friends all like you and think you are great.
In fact, you care so much about what other people think that you don’t know what you want for yourself. You feel pulled in many directions trying to please everyone, but pleasing no one. You are stressed and worried all the time. - You would rather give up than do something less than perfectly. You go back and forth about quitting and have more ups and downs than a rollercoaster. You used to love to skate, but things are so difficult now, it seems you will never land the double axel (see #3) you are no good, you might as well quit.
- You procrastinate because you worry you will not do a perfect job.
Example: Your coach wants you to practice your double axel on your own, but you don’t practice it because every time you do, you make mistakes. You worry they will become permanent - You get stuck thinking one way. You can’t see that there are
different perspectives to the same situation.You are stuck here: I fell on so many jumps, and still qualified.
It’s not fair to the other girls who skated clean and placed below
me. I don’t deserve to advance to the next level.You can’t see the other side: I fell on so many jumps, and still
qualified. This means that I must be doing some things really well and I can really score even higher when I land all those jumps! - You think asking for help is a sign of weakness. If you were perfect, you would be able to do everything yourself with the highest quality.
In between good and bad
You might have been told that your perfectionism is all bad. But have you ever stopped to think that those same traits have helped you get to where you are today?
Your perfectionistic traits are there for a reason. For example, in figure skating, you need to pay attention to details. Elements are executed in less than a second. A person who pays close attention to details has an advantage.
When you pay attention to minute details and are willing to put in a lot of practice to correct them, you will learn the jump, spin or lift much faster than someone who does not.
When you can embrace the wonderful parts of your perfectionism, a whole new mindset opens up to you. Some strengths of perfectionists are their attention to details, strong focus, and discipline.
Now take a look at how perfectionism that make things more difficult:
- Not wanting to make a mistake creates frustration and anxiety.
- Why bother running programs if your Lutz is off today?
- You are worried and don’t want to compete because the judges will see you have the same jumps as the last competition. They can tell you haven’t improved.
- Another week passed and I still haven’t landed my double axel yet. What is wrong with me?!
Manage your perfectionism
Once you identify which things help you and which need to be dialed down, you can make a plan to change.
I am a perfectionist, and I have learned to manage my perfectionism. I tried to fight it, to suppress it and to change it with no success. Then my whole world changed when a wise coach told me to embrace it. It is an important part of me.
Use the traits of perfectionism to help you succeed.
Attention to detail. Your heightened awareness of what you are doing wrong will help you correct it.
Your awareness of mistakes can help you to identify what you are doing wrong so that you can fix it.
Think of skating as a big experiment. You’ll learn a lot more from things that don’t go well than from things that do. Adopt a scientists’ mindset, one of curiosity that will help you learn and grow.
Strive for excellence rather than perfection. Instead of focusing on the gap between where you are and where you want to be, use that energy to focus on the process of improving each day.
That determination to reach your goal–the same one that made you want to give up, can be used to catapult you forward. Channel that determination into mastering your day-to-day immediate goals and you are sure to see progress.
Being a perfectionist can be exhausting. But when stop fighting your natural tendencies and embrace them, you can start to take control of your actions and use them to help you succeed.
This takes constant awareness and consistent work, but it will lead to freedom and the potential for greatness.
When you manage your perfectionism, you will lose the anxiety and frustration that keeps you stuck or makes you feel overwhelmed. This leaves you free to genuinely enjoy what you do, and improves your performance. It’s beautiful to see the transformation that results.
Since this mother has already tried different things to bring relief to her child with little result, I encourage her and her child to work with a mental game coach to bring about the changes within the context of skating.
It doesn’t have to be me, there are many mental game coaches out there, and many, like me recognize that consistency at home with a young child increases the chances of successful change.
Action plan
- Get a piece of paper or open a document on your computer and make three columns.
- In the first column, list beliefs you have or the behaviors caused by your perfectionism. You can use the ones listed in this article as guidelines.
- Now take a few minutes and to think about how each behavior or attitude negatively impacts your skating. Write these down in the second column.
- Finally, think about how these beliefs or behaviors can be used in a productive way to help you reach your goals. Write them in the third column.
Remember that if you are a perfectionist, you might not be able to see how the trait (#2) can help you (#4). Be sure to ask someone to help you or shoot me an email.
- One by one, take each attitude or behavior and practice reducing the negative impact and increasing the positive impact one belief at a time.
You can train your mindset to use your perfectionism as an asset. This is something that you need to work at every day. It’s a tough do it yourself project that takes a lot of insight, patience and courage.
If you are struggling, consider working with a professional mental game coach. This can lead you to quicker more lasting results.
Remember that asking for help from a professional is not a sign of weakness and it might be the first step you take to manage your perfectionism.
Do you want answers to your mental game challenges? Send me your questions for some direct answers.
Building your confidence is another step in managing perfectionism. You can start here: download Confidence Myth Busters, a complimentary eBook from ICE Mental Game.