Parents, has your athlete ever said something like:
- I’m wasting everybody’s time and money. I should just quit.
- I want to go home.
- I just want it to be over.
- I just want to quit.
Sometimes these proclamations might be heartfelt and sincere, but most of the time your athlete wants to vent.
Venting and problem solving are two different things and knowing the difference is important, especially during a major competition or setback.
This is something I work with my athletes and parents on.
Ask before you solve
Sometimes, athletes don’t want or need help solving their problems, they want to vent.
In fact, sometimes they don’t have a problem to solve.
They just want someone to listen to them.
In other words, they want to blow off steam.
In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to determine whether your athlete wants help or just wants to vent.
The solution, ask them this question, “Are you venting or are you problem solving?”
However, in order for this question to be effective during high pressure situations, a little preparation is necessary.
The best time to introduce the concepts of venting and problem solving is when everyone’s emotions are on an even keel, not during a competition.
This way, even when everyone’s nervous system is activated and rationality is temporarily gone, you’ll all be on the same page.
In addition, figure out a tentative game plan for each state.
Ask the athlete what they want you to do when they’re venting.
- Do they want you to give them a hug?
- Do they want you to listen?
- Do they want you to comfort them?
This takes practice and you might not get it right the first time, or the second.
It’s a learning experience, your athlete might not know what they want you to do, or the plan might not work for them in the heat of the moment.
When your athlete is venting, the most important thing is to stay away from problem solving.
No “shoulda, woulda, coulda.”
No “here’s what you did wrong and here’s how you can fix it.”
Listen and be there for them, that’s all you need to do.
When your athlete is venting, create a safe environment for them.
Remember, they just want to let off steam.
They don’t need judgment, criticism or consequences.
You don’t need to do anything.
You don’t need to take action.
Listen, nod, and be there for them, that’s all you need to do.
It’s problem solving time
When your athlete says they want to problem solve, what do you do?
Since problem solving is the default mode for many people, usually it’s relatively straightforward.
Do what you usually do, figure out a solution to the problem at hand.
Sometimes your athlete will say they’re ready to problem solve, but once you start the process they realize they still want to vent.
Let them.
It’s important to keep the lines of communication open.
If your athlete is noping out of all of your suggestions, it is usually a sign that they need to vent.
Take a time out and ask them.
This will give everyone space and allow you to cool down.
After all, it’s aggravating when your ideas are shot down without consideration.
And, it’s aggravating if you want to vent, but someone is trying to offer solutions.
Remember, communication is key.
It’s important to know the difference between venting and problem solving, especially during high pressure events and competitions.
If you know the difference you can quickly deescalate situations, and it will allow you to save much needed energy during stressful situations.
This concept can also come in handy in many situations outside of competition.
Mental skills training can make a difference because it can help you access what is already there during competition and practice.
Start here: download “Confidence Myth Busters,” a complimentary eBook and make a change.